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“Your toxicity in your relationships with other people is actually an extension of the toxicity in your relationship with yourself.” – Brianna Wiest
Urban dictionary describes a toxic person as an individual who has a very negative and self-entitlement disorder outlook on life. So literally a Negative Nancy and I am sure we have all at some point encountered one. One way to tell you have a toxic person in your life is that every time you encounter or hang out with them, you feel exhausted, emotionally drained, and negative. There’s always something with this person. Most times toxic people are emotionally unhealthy people that try to project their insecurities on others.
My friends and I always have conversations the toxic people in our lives and in our conversations, we have realized that many of these people are people in positions of trust and high regard in our lives who have let us down in the most unimaginable ways. They are the people whose words or actions are where most or all of our insecurities are anchored. Subjecting yourself to toxicity is harmful no matter which form it takes.
This blog however, is not only about the toxic people in our lives. Its about you, me and our toxicity; Yes! the sad and bitter truth is sometimes we are the toxic people we are trying to avoid. Often times, we are quick to point out toxic people and forget to be honest and conscious of our own toxic tendencies.
In my learning journey, one of the lessons I’ve picked up is; people aren’t all good or all bad, they are complex and always evolving. This means that even the best kind of people to us have the potential to be toxic to someone else. There aren’t many relationships that are effortless therefore toxicity exists in all relationships. It is hard to realize who is being toxic if you don’t know what toxic behaviour is to begin with. I have highlighted some examples of toxic behaviour like; being controlling and selfish, being defensive, manipulative behaviour, gas lighting, negative talk, abuse and many others. Many times, toxicity is more subtle and very often, our reactions may be unconscious and we find ourselves behaving in ways we sometimes wish we didn’t. Sometimes it’s not what you say — it’s how you say it that is toxic. Sometimes it’s how you treat others or your attitude that is toxic, even if it’s not aimed at the person who is being affected by it. I found an article that speaks to this and here is an excerpt that speaks to our individual toxic ways;
“It is also true that other people’s collective response to us can tell us pretty much everything we need to know about who we are. It is a brutal course in self-awareness, to realize the pattern in the way people react to us tells us so much about how we are in the world. It can be hard to admit when you’re the problem. To realize you’ve played the victim instead of analyzing why others don’t want to be around you. To admit you get more out of your relationships than you give back. To be honest about making excuses for why you did something wrong or selfish to someone else. It is hard apologizing, not getting defensive, and accepting that you hurt someone instead of finding many excuses to prove that you didn’t. Being reactive is toxic; listening and communicating is the mature and healthy response. It’s also important to note that just because you’re not toxic to one person, or in one type of relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t be toxic in another.”-the ladders.com
Moving forward, there are ways in which we can check ourselves. I think that understanding what toxic behaviour is and admitting when you are the toxic one is the first step. Reflecting and being conscious of your own potentially toxic behaviour and realizing that it is possible to change is the next step. How you talk to yourself, what you eat, how healthy your personal choices are for your mental health are, and your own self-worth and insecurities are all tied into why you’re being toxic in the first place. Sometimes it’s not them; it’s you. Apologizing to people you have hurt can also go a long way in riding yourself of some of the toxic tendencies we carry.
In as much as we are quick to point out other people’s toxicity, we should also in the same breath be able to recognize and check our own behaviors. Our behaviour is just learnt that means it can be unlearned as well. Change is possible as long as you do the work. We need to hold ourselves accountable with the same energy we do others.
Until next time,
The Lady Sitter♥
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